For at least 10 years, I have been controlled by the demon inside of me. I’ve let it dictate my actions. I’ve let it dictate what I say. I refuse to let this anxiety cripple me anymore.
I’m writing this because I’m finally ready to let it all out. Sure, I’ve written blog posts about anxiety before, but I’m finally ready to lay out all the dirty details.
I’m not sure where exactly my anxiety stems from, but I do remember that in middle school I was bullied for being too skinny. People constantly asking me if I’m anorexic or if I need something to eat. People telling me to go eat a burger or 2. I started being self-conscious. I started feeling anxious every time that I was around new people. I felt like everyone was judging me. That’s the first time in my life that I remember the voices coming. “Nobody likes you,” “you’re too skinny,” “you look weird,” “you’re a failure.” Constant voices in my head that never go away. I’m not sure if the anxiety started there, but that’s the first thing that I can remember from my childhood.
It also could have been because of the fact that in high school I got physically and mentally abused by people who I thought were my best friends before that. The fact that I was never good at picking friends and never really understood why I felt so alone.
Then there’s, of course, the fact that I hate being in big crowds… I hate meeting new people because there’s this constant nagging feeling.
The constant feeling that everyone is watching me and judging me didn’t stop there. I’ve always felt that way. I can’t even go to class without feeling anxious because someone is judging me. I can’t raise my hand and answer a question I know the answer to because I don’t want to draw attention. I can’t make eye contact with people that I don’t know because I don’t want them to notice me. I want to be invisible. I need to be invisible. The worst part is that I KNOW that isn’t the truth. I know that not everyone I meet is judging me, but I can’t get that thought out of my head.
Of course, there’s also the academic part of it. People call me Type A and an overachiever, but I don’t want to be an overachiever. I HAVE to be. Those little voices in my head tell me that I’m not good enough and that I’m never going to be good enough. So I work as hard as I possibly can in hopes I can finally be good enough for the voices to leave me alone.
But anxiety isn’t just about being scared of what people think… it’s not wanting to leave the house. It’s constantly being exhausted and wanting nothing more than to lay in bed all day for the rest of your life. It’s sometimes not wanting to eat or wanting to eat too much. It’s being needy to those that you have let into your life because you need to feel wanted. It’s acting like everything is okay when all you want to do is scream. It’s panic attacks over the tiny stuff that shouldn’t matter.
But I refuse to let it rule my life any longer. I don’t care if you think I’m weak… I’m not. I’m strong for asking for help when I know I can’t do it on my own.
I’m also asking God to take my problems and give me peace. I’m strengthening my relationship with Him the only way that I know how. By talking to Him. By reading His Word.
It’s time I start fighting back against this demon inside of me. It’s time to WIN.
I’m writing this mainly to get it all off of my chest, but I hope that along the way it helps someone understand that they’re not alone.
You’re never alone. Even in the hardest times.